Opinions And Ramblings By Adam Kmiec On All Things

Tag Archives: Funny

I Feel Old

The other morning, I had the moment, that I’m sure many other have had. I was leaving my physical therapist’s office, limping to my car, gingerly sliding into the driver’s seat and it hit me. I feel old. I’m serious. You know, they say, it’s the age, it’s the miles. Well I’ve put a lot of miles on this soon to be 34 year old frame.

There were 4 moments, some big, some minor, that had me feeling I was old.

  1. I recently switched all my Nike running shoes for New Balance. You laugh. But, New Balance, despite its cult-like following, does have the stigma of being the shoe for “old” people. I traded in form for function. Let me be clear, the 3 pairs of New Balance shoes I picked up are great. The Minimus Hi-Rez is one of the most advanced running shoes out there. That said, I felt a little bit older buying New Balance.
  2. As if the New Balance shoes weren’t enough, I also needed inserts for my shoes. My flat feet finally caught up to me. In high school I ran a 4:26 mile; I was a cross country runner. I ran in any climate, any condition on any surface. Never had pain. At 33, I have pain. Maybe it wasn’t the New Balance shoes or the inserts, maybe it was the added purchase of a pair of Brooks shoes…
  3. Sensing a theme here? My left leg has been in a lot of pain the past 5 month. Finally, reluctantly, I went to a doctor. The good news, no surgery. The bad news, I needed to stretch out my joints and muscles more. I actually have a regiment to follow and a physical therapist. Stretch more? Me? The guy who could just hop on a basketball court, fresh from school and play for 4 hours? Ok it’s all adding up…joint pain, inserts and New Balance. Ok where’s my AARP card?
  4. Gulp, I went on a diet. Finally, my magic metabolism has faded. Insert sad face. The combination of my awesome eating capabilities and the inability to run (see above as to why) has me at my highest weight I’m years…170 pounds. To put that in perspective, at the peak of my physical fitness, in college, when I hit the gym 6 days a week and played basketball every day, I was 160. At my lightest, during cross country in high school, I was 140. I need to drop 15 pounds. It hasn’t showed up in inches yet, but I feel the weight. This is a first for me. I’ve never needed a diet. I just ate what I wanted.

Still no grey hairs, although apparently, I might be more qualified for certain jobs if I had a bit more “salt and pepper.” I’m serious. It was once explained to me that the main reason I wasn’t chosen for a job, was not my skills, but that I didn’t look the part…I looked to young.

So no grey. No glasses either. I’m also not eating dinner at 4 PM. So that’s good, right?

Like I said, it’s not the age, it’s the miles. I wouldn’t trade any of those miles in. The first 33 years have been a hell of a ride. I’m not going to slow down. How could I? I have New Balance shoes now!

Rules For Dating My Daughter

Courtesy of my dad…via his iPad…you gotta love technology!

RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you’re sure not picking anything up.

RULE TWO: Do not touch my daughter in my presence. You may glare at her adoringly, so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter I will remove them.

RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off of your hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. If you show up at my home with your pants falling down I will be forced to ensure that they do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter by taking my electric staple gun and fastening the pants directly to your waist.

RULE FOUR: I’m sure you’ve been told that sex in today’s world without a “barrier device” can kill you. Let me elaborate: I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE: Current thinking is that in order for you and me to get to know each other, we should talk politics, sports, and other issues. Do not do this. Your ignorance and stupidity will only serve to anger me. The only information I require of you is when you will have my daughter home. To this end, you only need two words: “early” and “sir”.

RULE SIX: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it’s okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you’ve gone out with my little girl you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry harder.

RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time you should not be dating my daughter. She is doing her hair, putting on make-up, or whatever; a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful, like change the oil in my car.

RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate places to take my daughter: places with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool – places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight – places that are dark or poorly lit – places where there is dancing, holding hands, or excessive happiness – places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat – movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme. Hockey games are okay, old folks homes are better, a convent is best.

RULE NINE: Do not ever lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

RULE TEN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy. When my PTSD starts kicking in, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Note the camouflaged face in the window is mine. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car

The Social Media Guru

Oh god, this hits so close to home.  The best line is when the client asks for qualifications and the Social Media Guru is unable to provide them, but instead references his blog as evidence of skills.  Hahah.  Freaking brilliant.

Your Customers Don’t Want Transparency

Transparency.  This 4 syllable word has become one of the most over used terms by marketers.  It’s gotten to the point where I cringe every time I hear the word.  Transparency is the new synergy.  Yes, folks, I’m serious.  The problem isn’t the word transparency, it’s how we use it.  It’s become a catch all band-aid for marketing speak.

As I hear it being used, I’m reminded of the scene in the movie, the Princess Bride where Inigo Montoya says “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means,” in reference to the word “inconceivable.”

To illustrate my point, do you really think your customers want to see how hot dogs are made if you are say, Hebrew National?  Because, that’s what being transparent means.  Tell you what, you watch this video and let me know if you think Hebrew National or any other hot dog company would want to show this to their customers in the spirit of TRANSPARENCY.

If you’ve watched the entire video, I applaud you.  I worked on Hebrew National and even I got a little bit squeemish watching the vide.  Still think customers want transparency?  I didn’t think so 🙂

So if they don’t want transparency, what do they want?  They want authenticity.  That’s different than transparency.  They want to know that what they are going to eat (continuing out hot dog example) is real beef and not lips. More specifically:

This graphic, not the video is what the consumer wants.  They want authenticity, not transparency.  Trust me, no one wants to know how a hot dog is made.

So, please stop using the word transparency incorrectly, I really don’t think it means what you think it means.