I was working for a dot com startup in Chicago in 2001, the first time I heard the phrase, “damaged goods.” Like many companies in that era we had gone from 1 person to 100 to 400 to 150 to 600 and eventually we locked the doors to the office so we could mail people their last paychecks. Ahh the good old days, right?  Well, we had just undergone a massive layoff that I was sorta part of (long story) and I was having a beer with Anthony Isla.  I was senior to Anthony, but he was definitely more experienced.  He said to me, well at least in this business climate we won’t be considered damaged goods.  I was confused, asked him to explain and he did.  In short, there’s only so many times that you can get laid off before future employers start wondering if it’s not the situations, but you who are the problem.

Personal and dating relationships are no different.  Those of us who are divorced start off with a major disadvantage in the dating game because there’s an inherent perception that we are damaged goods.  After all if we were poor at being married the first time, why would it be different the second time.  I have scene this up close and personal.  It’s shocking how quickly your confidence is destroyed after you get the “look.” Trust me, when you get the look, you never forget.  It stings.  Of course, the look pales in comparison to the things people say.  Believe me, they aren’t shy about it.

Professionally, I’ve never felt like damaged goods.  I survived two layoffs and became stronger after each of them.  I remember a conversation I had with Cheryl, after the second one. In pretty plain language she made it clear it was their loss, I was amazing and I had still had much more to give.  Well, she was right. After both layoffs it took me less than 3 weeks to get new positions. I wasn’t damaged goods. I simply had a poor partner who didn’t realize my potential.  These days, I interview a lot of folks.  The ones who have bounced around wear the face of someone who believes they are damaged goods.  It’s a horrible feeling and I always try to make it clear that I’m concerned with what they can do for my team, our agency and our clients.  I do my best to not see them as damaged goods.

Personally, it’s been tougher.  The other day I was drifting into damaged goods land.  In a conversation with a new friend, I stated, “well, it’s tough, because I’m damaged goods.”. Like a good friend, she said “you are not damaged goods” and then offered to “explain” that with words and actions to whomever had made me feel that way.  Talk about a hell of a friend.  It’s ironic that it took someone I barely knew to set me straight.  But, I guess there are simply people out there with good hearts who can see past out battle scars.  Her Facebook page has these two great quotes:

1. “Don’t cry because its over smile because it happened”
2. “A Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself….”

Smart stuff. It applies to what we do professionally and personally.  Take each experience, even the negative ones, and look for the good.  There’s no sense in lying to yourself and completely bad mouthing your former company, boss or boyfriend.  It makes you seem petty, immature and unable to see the big picture.  At the same time, don’t let someone else make you feel less than who you really are.  I know this sounds Tony Robbins like, but it’s a really important concept.  Don’t be defined by being laid off, fired, divorced, dumped, etc.  Those situations, even when cumulated, are still small slivers that only tell a small part of the story of YOU!

I am not damaged goods. Neither are you.

Last night I was sitting on the couch alone rocking out to my itunes library. As is customary the playlist was set to shuffle. Following Sweet Child Of Mine was a familiar offering from Simon & Garfunkel: Fakin’ It. These seemed most appropriate as it was a topic I’d been thinking about for the past week or so. I tell ya, iTunes can be scary sometimes with how it picks just the right song.

Have you ever been in a meeting or had a conversation with someone where you completely disagree with what’s being said, yet you nod your head in agreement because everyone else seems to be doing it? Well that my friends, is faking it.

I don’t know why people fake it. Well, ok, that’s a lie. I know why people fake it because I found myself faking it recently. Given the outcome of the situation, in retrospect, faking it was a bad idea. It’s rare that I fake it and I hadn’t done it in years, but there was again making the same mistake I promised myself I wouldn’t make again.

Anyhow, faking it just doesn’t add up, as it often leaves everyone with a bad taste in their mouth. We all fake it. Are you a beer person who orders wine at dinner because your significant other prefers wine? Well, you’re faking it. Do you say what you think an interviewer wants to hear or what you really think? If you checked the box for what the interviewer wants to hear, you are faking it. Have you backed an idea because you didn’t want to be the only person in the room not supporting it? Congrats, you’re faking it. Order a salad when you’re out with coworkers, but really want the burger? You are faking it. Feign interest in going dress shopping, when what you really want is to stay home and watch the game. Guess what, you’re faking it.

Perhaps the greatest example of why faking it makes no sense is in the dating world. The match.com’s of the world promise you happiness if you play by the rules. The rules of course are the information you share about yourself and what you want. If you indicate you like foreign films, long walks and wine tasting, when in fact you don’t, you can be assured of being matched with someone incompatible. Well, I’m sure you’re saying, “thank you captain obvious.” But, if it’s so obvious, why do so many people do it? Is it because we lack the courage to stand by our convictions? Is it because we are embarrassed by the truth? Perhaps. But, I think it’s because we’ve been conditioned from an early age to be agreeable.

Being agreeable is what we are supposed to do. Don’t rock the boat, keep everyone happy and make sure to “play well” with others. Ugh. That’s what I have to say to that. People think that they’ll be looked at differently, cast aside and branded as a trouble maker if they don’t go along with the crowd. Yet, how many of us are simply yearning for someone to have the confidence to lead us in a different direction. It’s the concept that drew me to Seth Godin’s book, Tribes. People want to be lead, they want a direction, they want to blaze a path forward. Yet, there are too few boat rockers out there.

I fake it. You’ve faked it. We’ve all faked it. Lets stop faking it. I think we’ll be a lot happier if do.

In case you were wondering, these are the lyrics to Fakin’ It:

When she goes, she’s gone.
If she stays, she stays here.
The girl does what she wants to do.
She knows what she wants to do.
And I know I’m fakin’ it,
I’m not really makin’ it.

I’m such a dubious soul,
And a walk in the garden
Wears me down.
Tangled in the fallen vines,
Pickin’ up the punch lines,
I’ve just been fakin’ it,
Not really makin’ it.

Is there any danger?
No, no, not really.
Just lean on me.
Takin’ time to treat
Your friendly neighbors honestly.
I’ve just been fakin’ it,
I’m not really makin’ it.
This feeling of fakin’ it–
I still haven’t shaken it.

Prior to this lifetime
I surely was a tailor.
(“Good morning, Mr. Leitch.
Have you had a busy day?”)
I own the tailor’s face and hands.
I am the tailor’s face and hands and
I know I’m fakin’ it,
I’m not really makin’ it.
This feeling of fakin’ it–
I still haven’t shaken it