Found this photo while digging through old baby photos.
It’s a picture of my Grandfather, an avid fisherman hanging out with me on his farm in New Hampshire. I can only imagine the advice he was imparting on me. You gotta love these candid moments. I’m so glad my dad was there to capture the moment.
“It’s only my job, it’s not my whole life.” Those are the words uttered more like a question than a statement, by Rachel McAdams in the trailer for the movie, Morning Glory. I’m not a Harrison Ford guy or a Diane Keaton fan. I’ve enjoyed Rachel McAdams’ work, but not enough to make me line up to see a movie she’s going to star in. But, I caught this trailer Friday night and was lured in by that line and the subsequent one delivered by Harrison Ford…
“I was never at home, when I was I took every phone call, watching TV out of the corner of my eye, let me tell you how it all turns out, you end up with nothing.”
I love my job. I love my career. I love what I get to do on a daily basis. But, over the last few years I’ve learned that you can’t let your job take over your life. When that happens, you have no life.
When I worked at Leo Burnett in the early 2000′s I found myself in an elevator with Andrew Daniel the creative director running Army. I said to him something to the effect of, “man, it has been crazy cold the last few days.” He turned to me with a look of disdain and sharply said, “never talk about the weather. All it proves is that we have nothing to talk about it.”
His point was that people should simply feel comfortable being in a room with one another and not saying anything. Too often people fill the silence void with idle chit chat that adds no value. Don’t talk to talk. Don’t talk to eliminate silence. Talk when you have something of value to add.
There’s an only saying, “don’t assume, because it makes an ass out of u and me.” Of course the “ass,” “u” and “me” are the actual word “assume.” It’s funny. It’s cute. But, it’s also true.
Assumptions are dangerous. Yet, we make them all the time. We assume someone got our message. We assume everything is ok. We assume that someone else did X. We assume we’re getting a raise. We assume the person in front of else will move out of way to let us off the elevator. Yes, we assume things every single day and we pay the price for it.
Instead of assuming, ask the question. You’ll be a lot happier.
When you’re growing up and living under your parent’s roof, you’re constantly in a mode of asking for permission. CAN you go out on Friday night? CAN you paint your room blue? CAN you have some money for new jeans? CAN your friend sleep over? The hierarchy that’s in place, puts kids in a position to ask for permission and parents in a position to grant or deny it. This is not disimilar to when you first start out in your career. You’re constantly fearful of doing the “wrong” thing (aka what your boss wouldn’t prefer…even if it’s the right thing) that you end up asking someone if what you want to do is ok, acceptable, what the client would like, what your boss would approve, etc. Unfortunately, in both cases (as kids and young professionals) this places us in position where we aren’t able to grow…where we aren’t able to build a relationship based on mutual respect.
As times marches on the dynamics of our relationships with our parents and employers/supervisors change. The defining moment for most kids of course is when they go to college or get their first job. Once you’re no longer living under “their roof” there’s less of a need to ask for permission to have a glass of wine at lunch, eat cereal for dinner, drive 600 miles to see a concert, fly to Europe, spend an unnecessary amount of money on a new pair of shoes, etc. You have your own money and your living your own life. The concept of asking for approval ceases to exist and our parents become people who’s support is requested. We want their endorsement…their validation that the choices we make are the right ones. When we have their support we feel better about the decisions we’re making. After all, if they didn’t support it, it wouldn’t be a good decision, now would it? That’s of course tongue in cheek. Guess what? We have the same evolution at work. Once we have enough experience, and more importantly, CONFIDENCE, under our belts, we’re able to shift from asking our supervisors for approval and instead we start presenting them recommendations. With those recommendations we’re looking for their support, not their permission…not their rubber stampt, not their approval. It’s such an inspiring dynamic when that shift happens. We start believing that we finally have this “job” figured out.
Support and approval are not the same thing. I don’t call my mom anymore asking for her permission to buy a new car. Instead I call looking for her thoughts, opinions, feedback and advice on what car to buy. It’s a different dynamic. With my current boss, we have a great honest and open relationship where I can present her ideas and recommendations that are 1/2 to full baked. Those ideas are presented with a confidence and tone of that says, “this is the right thing to do.” She can then shape, augment and make these ideas better. We don’t have a relationship where I’m presenting ideas looking for permission to execute them. It’s a beautiful thing and one of the things I love about my role at MARC USA.
There is no right or wrong time to make this shift from permission to support. Personally, I think we’d be better off if it happened earlier on in life than later. It’s a tough switch to make, but one that will change your relationships and career for the better.
I’ve alluded to the idea of the grand gesture before. I’m a big fan of the grand gesture. The grand gesture is truly the embodiment of the phrase, “go big or go home.”
The beauty of the grand gesture is you’ll find you’ll never live with regret, because when you lay it all on the line you’ll never have to wonder if you could have done something more.
Most people avoid the grand gesture. It’s a scary proposition. If you go big, if you pursue the grand gesture you have a 50/50 proposition of it blowing up in your face. Think about the number of times you’ve seen someone propose on the jumbotron at a sports game only to see the potential bride to be, say no? Ouch! But that’s the risk.
I’ve had a lot of success with the grand gesture and I’ve had it blow up in my face. Regardless of the outcome I’ve never had any regrets and that’s a beautiful thing. I encourage you to go big. I encourage you to pursue the grand gesture. I think you’ll be glad you did.
It’s tough being a parent. It’s tough to know when to push them, when to let them fly, when to offer advice, when to let them make mistakes, when to coddle and when to be stern. When you do these things is different based on each kid, each situation and each day. There’s a lot of variables to consider and you make a lot of mistakes. You make mistakes all the time. You’d think you’d learn from those mistakes, but no situation is ever the same…you never run into a situation twice. They are all unique.
The relationship you have with your parents changes all the time. One minute they are a disciplinarian, the next your friend, the next your confidant. There were days I wanted to kill my parents and run away from home. Then there were days where I was so thankful that I had such amazing parents.
It’s interesting to go from being someone’s child to having children. You swear that you’ll do things different and better. But, there’s no manual to make sure you’re a great parent. There’s a lot of trial and error. It can be a frustrating experience because you want so much to do the right thing, but you’re never 100% sure what the right thing is.
But, you try. You try to be the best you can be. You try to provide the best guidance you can. And eventually you have to trust that your kids are going to make the right decisions. After all, you’ve given them the foundation. That’s what I love about my parents. They’ve always offered me advice, but trusted that I’d make the right decision because of my strong foundation. Now, the number of times I’ve screwed up, made a mistake or done the opposite of what they’ve asked for is immeasurable. And yet, they’re always supportive. They’re always willing to listen, offer advice and when needed console.
I hope to have the same strength, insight and penchant for knowing when to push them, when to let them fly, when to offer advice, when to let them make mistakes, when to coddle and when to be stern. I hope that one day I prove to be the type of parent I’ve been fortunate to have.
If anyone comes across an official manual, please send it my way!
I was reminded this morning of one of the best chapters in the “Last Lecture,” titled, “Romancing The Brick Wall.” Randy Pausch eloquently and pignantly writes, “Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people.” I couldn’t agree more.
While this chapter focuses on Randy’s courting of his future wife, this approach and belief is in no means limited to matters of the heart. The idea of the brick wall is that there are always obstacles in life that will appear. Some are small. Some are big. If you really want that something enough, you’ll find a way to overcome the wall.
Probably, one of my favorite examples of this was when a very tenacious soon-to-be grad “forced” her way into a position she wasn’t qualified for. We had a job description posted asking for 5 – 7 years of experience, I believe. It was a Sr. Producer/Account Supervisor role. Well, there was this scrappy, inexperienced person (I can’t even call her a candidate), who refused to accept the fact she wasn’t qualified for the position. She tweeted, called, texted, emailed, and I think even Facebooked me to try and get an interview. Finally, I relented. I figured, I’d give her the interview, explain that she wasn’t qualified (again) and then move on. But, she blew me and everyone else away. Her interview was one of the best I’ve ever been in. I was floored. How floored? We re-wrote the job description and gave her the job. She figured out a way around the wall because she wanted it more than anyone else. That’s what it means to romance the brick wall.
Walls are everywhere we look. Walls are there to remind us of how bad we want something. They are there to keep others out. If you want something…if you really want it, then you’ll have to make the effort to find a way past those walls.
I good colleague of mine sent this my way the other day. Talk about visual thinking 
It’s simple, but it makes you wonder why so many managers struggle with it.
For what it’s worth, I’ve used the same management philosophy for years.
It’s not crazy. But, it’s been really effective.
You have to love Al Pacino. Only he could deliver this speech for Oliver Stone in the movie Any Given Sunday. I love the sentiment, especially the concept that one second too soon or too late and you might miss it…whatever it is. Think about that.
Interactive marketer, innovator, boat rocker, continuous learner, movie lover, risk taker, dad and all around good guy. I'm always up for a spirited conversation. These are my thoughts and ramblings, not those of my employer.
