The dirty little secret about New Year’s Eve is that it never lives up to the hype. The kiss is never as good as you hoped. The champagne more flat than you’d wished. The people less genuine than you’d remembered. We dress up, we plan weeks out in advance because the last thing anyone wants is to be alone on New Year’s Eve. As the clock draws closer to midnight on the 31st, the entire world sets it’s gaze on Times Square. Because, wherever you, regardless of the time zone, the new year arrives, when the ball drops in New York City. It’s a fact…a tradition.

Now, the feel good version of New Year’s Eve is that we gather to ring in the NEW YEAR.  But, I’ve always had a long standing contrarian point of view to this. I think we’re so eager to see the date of the calendar advance forward to 1/1, that the reason we numb ourselves with glass after glass, the reason we fix our gaze on the clock is less about ringing in a New Year, but more about forgetting the previous year.

Think about it. Why do we make resolutions? Often our resolutions carry over year to year. They are reminders of all that we did not accomplish.  The New Year eschews in hope. It creates a clean slate. It allows us to forgive our mistakes, overlook our transgressions and absolve our sins. Amazing what a simple change of the date can do, isn’t it?  This has been the way of it, year after year, since we started the rich tradition that is “ringing in the New Year.”

So, what will you do in 2012? Will you make it YOUR year? Come December 31, 2012, will you look back on 2012 with regret and with an “I wish I had” or “if only I’d?” Or will you rise above the coulda, woulda, shoulda and instead look back with smiles and celebrate the year that was…and in doing so lament that the ball is dropping and the calendar will soon march forward to 2013?

I know that I’m already planning for 2012 to be something to remember. As said in the movie Serendipity:

You know the Greeks didn’t write obituaries, they only asked one question after a man died, ‘Did he have passion?’

True story; in 2003 on my 10 day honeymoon to St. Thomas I took 1, 1-hour conference call. I never lived that down. Even though it was 1 call, the impact and ramifications were significant.

Following that trip, it was agreed that we would only travel to locations that lacked cell phone reception. Translation: all travel was international. London, Paris, Rome, Mexico, etc. became “acceptable” destinations.

Of course, as technology advanced it became harder to avoid ways to stay connected. In London, I found an Apple Store to check work email. In Rome, it was a cyber cafe. In Paris it was a work paid for international SIM card. Crazy. Believe me, I know.

There’s not even a cost/price barrier anymore. Technology and the ease to stay connected, make it tough to unplug. Forget travel, just think about the last time you went out to dinner. How long did that phone stay in your pocket?

Of late, I’ve been trying to unplug. As I wrote earlier, it’s tough to change habits. But, you can change habits by making small adjustments. For example, here’s 4 things I’m doing to unplug more often:

1. When I go out to dinner, I turn my phone off, leave it at home or put in my coat pocket.

2. When I come home from work, the phone gets plugged in. Not just plugged in, plugged in, in another room. It’s out of sight and out of mind.

3. On weekends, when I’m with the kids, the phone is on lockdown. I rarely take it out. Not unlike with dinner, I will often leave the phone home if I’m out with them.

4. I’ve changed how I’m using social apps like foursquare. For example, I rarely check in all the time at every place I visit. These days I’m checking in with an intent or using foursquare to help me learn about places, not broadcast that I’m there.

Since I’ve implemented these changes a few weeks back I’ve been happier. It took a few days to adjust. Like a smoker who gives it up cold turkey, there was a period of adjustment. But, let me tell you it’s been worth it!

The Empire City, The City That Never Sleeps, The Big Apple, Gotham City and the Concrete Jungle. All nicknames for the greatest city in the world, New York. They say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. And why not? New York city is tough. It moves at a pace that overwhelms and demands your very best all the time. We love our heroes, but are just as quick to boo as we are to cheat, if we don’t think we’re getting their best effort. The streets aren’t paved with gold, but not unlike a rainbow each street may lead you to a pot of that shiny coin. I’ve been in love with this city of dream makers and dream takers since I first breathed it’s air in 1979.

I was born in Brooklyn. My fondest childhood memories almost always have a New York City connection. Learning to ride a bike, watching the Mets beat the Sox in the ’86 World Series, the Bronx Zoo, laying on my back at The Museum of Natural History and wondering how they got that big blue whale in there, our version of a beach, drinking quarter water, eating real pizza from L&B, sitting on the stoop outside my grandparent’s house with my cousins in the Summer or chasing down the ice cream truck still stick out today, fresh in my mind as the day they happened. Keep in mind all of this happened before I was 7.

As I grew older, my romance with “the city” grew stronger. After we moved to New Jersey, I lamented not being able to walk, bike or take a train to my desired destination. I missed the diversity of sounds and would gladly have traded my sky full of stars for the neon and bright city street lights. Many weekends, during my adolescence, were spent in New York. Even today I remember the excitement I had when we’d start crossing the Brooklyn Bridge. It meant we were almost there.

In college, my parents would ship me real New York food, over night and packed in dry ice so that I could enjoy a little bit of home. Bagels, pizza, pastrami, cheese cake and rainbow cookies were just a few of the reoccurring deliveries. The wide eyes and big smiles of my friends as they sampled the goods still make me smirk.

Come this time next year, I will have lived in Chicago longer than I ever lived in New York. My time spent living in the Midwest is more than twice as long as my time spent living in the concrete jungle. Yet, despite that imbalance of time, I’ve never considered myself anything other than a NEW YAWKAHR. It’s become quite the excuse for why I am who I am and why I act like I do. I think fast, I move fast, I eat on the go, my patience for lines caused by people’s indecisiveness is non existent, I cross the street when there are no cars…not when the light says walk, I speak my mind even if what I say will sting and of course I believe anything is possible.

I love bringing people to New York. Even if it’s not their first time visiting, the experience is usually memorable. Because to see the Big Apple through the eyes of a real New Yorker is to see the city like it aches to be viewed…with a slice in one hand. Last year one of my best friends, a true Midwest girl, who now lives in New York City, showed me my city through her eyes. What a treat. I visited places I’d never been to, ate food I’d never enjoyed and experienced the city like an explorer. Honestly, that trip was one of my best trips back “home.”

The city and I have a love affair like I’ve never had with any person. Ironic, since the city served as a backdrop for falling in love with young lady…once upon a time, as we strolled through the village, stopping to steal a kiss in the park. Like a Woody Allen or Scorsese film, if you took away the city, the story would still be there, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as emotionally riveting.

True story, I know that it’s more of a “woman” thing to dream about your wedding day.  But, I’ve always imagined  getting married in the city I’ve always loved.  On the famous Bow Bridge, during the fall as the leaves burst with shades of red, orange and yellow was where I always envisioned it would happen.  Why the Bow Bridge?  For starters it’s located near the center of Central Park…the heart beat of the city…geography-wise.  The bridge has a limit for the number of people who can be on it during the service.  By design, this forces you to choose only the people who matter most.  In a city of millions, you’d be sharing one of the most important moments of your life with only a handful.  There’s something beautiful about that juxtaposition.

Traveling the world is great. London, Paris, Rome; I know these places. I walked the cobblestone of Paris, alone the Senne, while eating a warm baguette…it is no substitute for a warm bagel and the pavement running through Central Park. The same goes for the gelato I ate in Rome while strolling amidst monuments and buildings that were born during the great Caesar’s rule. For a moment these places capture your interest. But, they never capture your heart like New York City will.

New York is the only real city-city. Whether you believe it’s the heart of the universe or not, there’s no denying that New York has an unparalleled pulse, an excitement that’s contagious.

Those were the brilliant and eloquent words of Truman Capote. He said in 2 sentences what I’ve been rambling on about for the past 8 paragraphs.

I think the only thing I’d add to Truman’s sentiment is that after you’ve experienced the greatest city in the world your perception of every other city will change…nothing will ever live up to New York City and all that it has waiting for you to see, feel, touch, taste and remember.

We all have habits. They’re part of the daily rhythm of our life.  Like a metronome, habits keep us in step and marching to a beat that regulates us every day.  Now, some habits are positive and enviable.  For example, flossing after every meal and walking 10,000 steps every day are both habits I admire.  We have seemingly strange habits that that keep us centered.  For example, I brush my teeth, then shower…and never the reverse.  I have no idea how long I’ve been doing that, but it’s long enough that to do it the opposite way, just feels wrong.  But, there are also bad habits.  I can’t tell you how long I’ve been biting my finger nails or the number of times I’ve tried to stop biting them.  It’s nearly impossible to do it because my finger nails are there all the time!

Finger nails aside, I’ve picked up and subsequently been able to drop other bad habits through the years.  I finally figured out the key to eliminating bad habits.  The secret…the key…the trick is to remove the bridges and accelerators of our habits.  I have a horrible habit of checking work emails that pop up on my Blackberry, when I’m in a meeting.  It’s rude and rarely has there been an email that was so important it needed to be checked and responded to that instant.  But, if that Blackberry is there…if it’s buzzing…you can bet eventually I’ll cave and check it.  So, to fix a problem like that, I’ve simply stopped bringing my Blackberry into meetings.  I removed the bridge and accelerator.

The concept of bridges and accelerators works in reverse too. If you notice a positive habit or one you’d like to start incorporating into your life, you can usually trace the habit back to the bridge/accelerator and then start adopting them.  I always marveled at my friends ability to avoid snacking throughout the day.  I thought it was a will power thing.  Nope, I was completely wrong. She drank a full 8 cups of water throughout the day.  Those 8 cups made her feel full which eliminated her interest in snacking. Smart.

We all have habits.  Some are good. Some are bad. Eliminating the bad ones or adopting some good ones are easier than you might have thought. Just look for the bridges and accelerators.

In a given day there are no shortage of coaching moments.  If you manage even 1 person, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Every decision we make can be evaluated, reviewed and improved upon. In interviews, I’m often asked about my management style/approach. For the last 10 years, my answer has been consistent:

1. Inform: Provide your team member with all the information they need to make a good decision.
2. Recommend: Outline how you would tackle the problem. This needs to be done as “guiding” not dictating.
3. Empower: Despite your POV, empower them to make the decision. After all they have 2 critical pieces of the puzzle: 1, all the background info. 2, your point of view.
4. Support: Unless the decision they make is so far off base, support their decision…especially in PUBLIC when it comes under scrutiny.
5. Evaluate: Review the decision, how it was made, why they made, how it played out and how they’d improve on it in the future.

I don’t think there’s anything earth shattering there, but to consistently apply this maxim can be tough.  There are days I certainly fail at it.  The most critical part of this approach is #4.  Your team needs to know you have their back…that you won’t hang them out to dry or throw them under a bus.  Sometimes this can be challenging, especially when their decision is coming under fire in a public gathering.  But, this is the test of a good manager.

Public criticism offends not only the receivers, but the observers. No one wants to see another person publicly hung by someone too cowardly to address the issue one to one, face to face.

Credit for that great quote goes here.

I feel like that’s one of those obvious…basic…101 rules…that you learn at an early age. Heck, I can remember the rule being taught to me in Little League.  But, just because it’s a basic rule, like don’t swing on a 3-0 count unless you have the green light, doesn’t mean we always follow it.  I’m guilty of breaking the rule on occasion.  It’s so easy to do it when we’re all given a stage, a bullhorn and a distribution network to voice our opinions.  Just because we can do it, doesn’t mean we should.

Yesterday, I saw a classic case of poor coaching and the ego-centric world of blogging.  Sarah Perez, an “influential” blogger/writer/editor/etc. received a pitch from Yahoo!’s agency asking her to review their new platform in exchange for some amount of reciprocal coverage and impact at Yahoo!  This type of stuff happens all the time.  If your someone who blogs you’ll eventually get pitched.  From what I can tell from Sarah’s scathing post about the pitch, there were 3 problems with the pitch:

1. It was generic and over promissory - as such it felt dated
2. There was a typo – the agency wrote “Tech Crunch” as two words instead of one
3. She doesn’t seem to care for Yahoo!

One of the most over used inspirational quotes is, “you’re the CEO of your own life.”  It’s and invigorating saying.  It fills us with hope.  It leaves us with optimism.  It makes us reevaluate our life…if only for a moment.  Think about it, if you were delivered that message during a presentation you’d start to take stock of things and rethink how you’d live your life.

I know the first time I heard the quote it left me feeling like I had been missing opportunities to take control of my life.  After all, if I was the CEO, then certainly the choices I’d made were 100% my own and then choices I’d need to make in the future were mine.  Your brain starts running.  You create bucket lists, start talking about visiting other countries, wonder what it would be like to climb a mountain or run a marathon.  You wonder what it would be like to not have a job…not be in the rat race…and instead just do the things that make you happy.

Sounds amazing doesn’t it?

But, here’s the thing I’ve learned. As amazing as that sounds, if you’re willing to concede that you’re the CEO, then you also need to accept that you’re also the CFO.  As much as climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, backpacking through Europe or sailing around the globe seems life changing, you do need to actually be able to fund these ideas Yeah, money…I know, it’s a necessary evil.  In a TED Talk, the presenter said, “money is the fuel for ideas.” Truer words were never spoken.

While you may in fact be the CEO of your own life that doesn’t mean you can simply do as you please without consequence.  Ideas, hopes and dreams require money.  This doesn’t mean you can’t ever achieve them.  It does however mean that you can’t simply hope for these aspirations.  Real work will be required.  Think about it.

I openly admit that there was a great sense of irony in learning of Steve Jobs’ passing on an iPhone.  Of all the products Steve brought to the market, the iPhone, may be the most iconic.  Sure, the iPod was revolutionary, AppleTV was redefining and the iPad was transformational.  But, a stroll down the street shows you the profound impact that the iPhone has had on the world.

But, this isn’t a post about Steve’s legacy.  It’s not a post about how much I’ve grown to rely on and love his products.  No, this is a post about three quotes…two from Steve and one from Jay Fanelli on twitter last night.

Courtesy of Steve Jobs

Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.

Courtesy of Jay Fanelli 

Every CEO of every company on the planet should pay attention to this right now and ask themselves, “why won’t this happen when I die?”

As I wrote nearly a year ago, Time Is The Most Valuable Currency we have.  It’s a currency that becomes more valuable over time…or if you will…as we have less time left.  And, despite it’s value, it’s a currency you can’t trade and it’s completely finite.  In any given day, you only get about 2 hours of time for yourself…or perhaps we let life dictate that all we get is 2 hours.

If you trace through the annals of history for Steve Jobs quotes, you’ll find several dedicated to the concept of time and making good use of the time we’re given.  Steve, more than anyone had to realize how finite time was over that past few years.  He exhausted every option, with money being no object, to receive a liver transplant in 2009.  Some viewed his ability to leverage his wealth to garner a transplant faster than those with lesser financial means as a problem with the healthcare system.  For a person, who seemed to understand how fleeting and finite life is, one would have to wonder, why was he fighting the inevitable.

I don’t think it was ego.  Quite the opposite actually.  I tend to think Steve wanted to leave knowing he had maximized his gift…that he had reached his potential…that his work was done.  It’s a maddening thing to know what your potential is, but realize you might now be able to reach it.

Time is fleeting.  You get what you get.  You have little to no control over how much time you get.  But, you do have complete control over what you do with the time you do get.  You can’t point a finger at anyone, other than yourself, for not maximizing your time.

We can all only hope to maximize our full potential like Steve.  iMagine a world in which we all strove to reach our potential and were bothered by falling short…even if it was only falling short by an inch?

For me, that’s what I take away from Steve Jobs.  There’s no sense in living if what you’re doing isn’t making you happy. And happiness has a funny way of helping you reach your potential.

One of the first principles of negotiations I ever learned was that two sides who want the same end goal will always find a way to make a deal happen.  This is one of the reasons I believe that philosophical alignment is so critical to successful negotiations.  But, of late, I’m starting to question this concept.  It’s not that I don’t think you need to have philosophical alignment or the same end goal.  No. It’s more along the lines of, does the end justify the means.

I saw a quote the other day, posted on a friend’s twitter account that said, “It’s easy to go from nice to ugly, it’s hard to go from ugly to nice.”  Even when you want the same things in a negotiation, it doesn’t mean you can simply remove emotion and passion from the process.  Feelings exist.  They’re part of the process.  And, when the ink is dry, the feelings that were bruised, maligned, battered and are raw.  It takes time for them to be un-inflamed.

The problem of course with that  is that feelings linger.  They carry forward.  It’s hard to forget the sting.  The barbs in a negotiation leave an indelible mark that if we’re lucky, we’re able to see fade.   But, while they fade, their impact remains.

So when I say, I’m starting to rethink my stance on negotiating, what I’m really getting at is that, maybe it’s not just about winning…it’s how you go about winning.

An earlier version of this post exists here.  I’ve since updated it with new information, perspective and thoughts.

I’m certainly one of the lucky ones.  I’m still here today.  I flew, I landed and made it home.  I went on to get married (eventually divorced), have two amazing children, love again and make a life.  I was fortunate, no one I knew suffered any tragedy that morning.  This has always stopped me in my tracks.  The majority of my family lives in or works in New York.  To escape that horrible day, otherwise unscathed, is a miracle.

Frankly, when I look back on September 11, 2011 I marvel at the events.  That morning, I left the house, kissed my girlfriend (she’d later go on to be my wife) goodbye and got into a cab headed for Midway airport.  I boarded a Southwest flight from Midway airport with my great friend and colleague Reed Roussel. We were both headed to Ft. Knox Kentucky for a full day worth of meetings with our United States Army client. When we landed in Kentucky, the first plane had already met its fate by flying directly into the twin towers.

We were oblivious to everything that had transpired as we hopped into our Enterprise rental car and started the 45 minute trek to Ft. Knox. During the ride over, little did we know, plane #2 had also crashed. This was 2001 and cell phones weren’t exactly in high use or even reaching mass adoption levels. The behavior of having it practically glued to your hand just didn’t exist. I did notice a call from my wife and Reed noticed a call from his mom, but we ignored them both.  Cell reception in the Ft. Knox, Kentucky area was spotty and we didn’t want to incur the wrath of roaming charges.  They were well aware of the tragedy and were trying to reach us to make sure we were both OK.  I’m still amazed that their calls made it through.  If you remember, nearly everyone was receiving the “all circuits are busy” message that morning and throughout the day.

When we arrived at the post, there was something off. The vibe was all wrong. An hour into our visit (55 minutes of which were spent waiting for the client) we finally learned from our client that 2 planes had flown into the twin towers and it was to our “advantage” that we leave the post immediately. Why? Because, in about 10 minutes the post would be on lock down and all non-military personnel would be placed “under suspicion.” To be honest, we were still confused about the situation, but we had no desire to be locked up on the post.

Reed and I hopped in the car, called the airline, learned all flights were canceled, then called Enterprise and explained we would not be returning the car to the airport. Instead, we would be driving to Chicago and returning it there. If I remember correctly, she informed us there would be a incremental $150 charge, or so, since we hadn’t intended to return the vehicle out of state.  The fee was irrelevant, we just wanted to get home to see our families.  So, we hung up the phone and started the journey from Ft. Knox to Chicago. The roads were strangely empty. Keep in mind, at this point, while the rest of the country was transfixed to the television coverage, we hadn’t seen anything. With no smartphones, our only real option was the radio. The irony, was, the only radio station that was coming through was the one carrying Howard Stern. Crazy, right?  There was no XM, no Sirius, no internet streaming, just your FM/AM tuner.  That meant for the next 2 hours we listened to Howard Stern. He was our connection to the outside world and was the one who brought us up to speed on what had happened. It wasn’t till we stopped for lunch, that we saw our first visual. We were awe struck. Stunned. It’s hard to put into words the emotions running thorough me. I’m a born and raised New Yorker; this hit hard.

I’ve always traveled for work.  It’s just part of the job.  But, travel for me changed after 9/11. I paid more attention to my surroundings.  When someone got up to go to the bathroom, I stopped what I was doing and took notice.  Those were simple things. They were things that I think many of us did.  But, what really changed for me was something that I still do to this day.  I make sure to let the ones I love know I’m leaving…I try to call them, just to hear their voice…just in case.  And…I always let those loved ones know I landed…same thing, I try to connect live if I can….though these days, I rely on text messaging because of convenience.  You value the people who matter the most to you, just a little more, when you realize that flights aren’t as routine as we’d like to think they are.

10 years ago, I learned about 9/11 via the radio. I learned about operation Desert Storm via television. When Sadam Hussein was captured, I learned about it via the web. The death of Osama Bin Laden was shared with me via text message first, then Twitter. The text message I received instructed me to check out Twitter, not turn on the TV. After reading the news, I found a TV and saw the president’s speech. As I watched his delivery, I couldn’t help but think about how we’ve evolved as a society…how our sharing has changed…how our means for connection have evolved. We operate in a real time and always on demand society. I think this was the first real moment where that wasn’t just rhetoric, for me, but a truly shared experience.

I’m so thankful for technology and how it’s evolved…how simple it’s made keeping in touch with those who matter most.  Texting, Facebook, foursquare…hell, even the ability to simply make a phone call from anywhere; these are all things we take for granted, not unlike the people in our lives who matter the most.  A good friend of mine shared this with me via twitter last year:

Life is largely fleeting. A series of momentary intersections with other people. It is truly incredible to find someone of permanence.

My experience on 9-11 reminds me of that concept every day.